Instructions: Personal Essay Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below, and attach it to your application before submission
Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Achieving certain things feel really good. Achieving your goals are the best things a person can ever do. It can be short-term goals or it can be long-term goals. Either one the feeling will still feel the same. When achieving goals, there will always be an impact on your life. The impact can be big or it can be small. Impacts from yours goals can also be good or bad. Everyone goes through achievements and having either a bad or good impact. So do I.
I had many goals and achievements as I have been growing up. Most achievements had good impacts and some were bad. But there’s this achievement that I can never forget. That achievement was being able to tell my parents anything without any awkwardness, regrets, and lying. I didn’t really see this as an achievement until I realized that I could tell my parents anything.
I think the only reason how I got to achieve this is because the way I acted when I was a young child. When I was in elementary school, every time something good or bad happened to me, I would always tell my parents no matter what. From doing this as I grew up, I found it habit in telling my parents everything. I could tell my parents school issues, hobby issues, and also girl issues. Life to me was very easy with my parents.
From this magnificent achievement I gained a lot of my parents. I gained knowledge of their life as teens, I gained their trust, and the most significant thing that I gained was a bond I have with my parents. If I was a child who kept everything a secret from my parents, I wouldn’t have gained all of these magnificent things from my parents. This is the best and most memorable achievement I have ever achieved in my life.
Hey Leo I hope you don't mind me commenting your essay but you were the only one without two comments. So anyways...
ReplyDeleteIdeas: I think you should go even more into detail about this one achievement. Its a really good and commendable achievement but put more of your thoughts into it and explain more about your experiences. Also you talk about when you were little and now many include something about the in between like middle school.
Organization: After the first two paragraphs I like how you organized your essay in chronological order, you talked about your childhood and then now. Maybe to make it more interesting you could start off with your childhood and work your way to now.
Voice: I honestly think your voice is lacking. I think you could describe more about your experience. I can relate to this essay a lot and it kind of sounds like something I would write so make it less general and more detailed.
Word Choice: I really like your word choice. Magnificent, Significant Memorable lol. One thing you can do is check to see how many time you use a word like I just realized you say achievement a lot haha I know its in the topic but try use a thesaurus there might be another word you can use too.
Okay well if you have any questions just ask me :) I'll see you tomorrow. Byes!
-kiyo
Heyyy Leo. I’m going to take up your 2nd comment space.
ReplyDeleteThis is a rather short essay, but you could easily turn this into something awesome. I didn’t really see any grammatical errors; just lack of details. I agree with Kiyo; you should really expand upon some specific conversations with your parents, and maybe talk about when you ‘realized’ that this was an achievement.
Also, talk about ‘why’ realizing that you can tell your parents anything is such a big deal. For added affect, make it sad or funny; it’ll make the college dude want to keep reading.
Oh, wait, hey... You used the word achievement a lot in your essay. I’d recommend hitting up Thesaurus.com and looking for good synonyms for the word ‘achievement’ so it doesn’t get so repetitive.
Also, maybe you could add a little more of your voice; crack a joke here or there or something. It sounds a bit robotic, but I’m sure you could fit something funny in there.
All in all, just add details and humor, Leo. This could really be a great essay if you just elaborated on your topic.
-Jordie